|payingattention (payingattention) wrote,|
@ 2008-07-13 08:54:00
|Current music:||"Brick is Red" -- The Pixies|
Beautiful beautiful beautiful days always make me feel like I'm dying on the inside, like the greatest part of my life has passed me by. I have absolutely no idea why I miss high school so much, but for some bizarre reason I want nothing more than to be able to go back to the beginning of junior year. It's wholly bizarre.
I am continuing to work through everything. I know I made a good decision for myself yesterday, despite the fact that I was depressed afterwards and miserable throughout the night. Who really wants to spend Saturday night doing biology homework while everyone else is getting trashed in the city? But I had to get it done, and I got most of it finished, and I saved all the money I don't have. Most of all, I didn't break when Amy started getting upset. I was strong. I didn't open my mouth and suggest that I could go, not once, despite the fact that every inch of my body was screaming to. I feel like if I was anyone else listening to someone say this to me I'd have wrinkled my nose by now, raised an eyebrow and asked "What the hell is wrong with you? Just say no, it isn't that hard."
For some reason though it really is.
Yesterday was the first day I started feeling legitimately down, like as down as I felt pre-Delaware. Right now I just feel...funky. So much of me is stuck in the point of time before dating Kim, how happy I was, and how alive I felt after we were done even though it seemed like I had fallen to pieces. What do I need? What's best for me?
I'm not going to say it because I always say it in every single entry I make. That's a last minute, point-of-death decision.
Today I will take deep breaths, like usual, and keep moving. I will work through my PMS, take care of myself and my inner child. Maybe I'll go out for breakfast with someone, then to Amy's for that stupid barbeque that will hopefully make her dad like me more. Before ANYTHING, however, I will finish this biology. Once I'm done with biology I'll feel free. Well, moreso, anyway.