|payingattention (payingattention) wrote,|
@ 2008-07-24 09:44:00
#5: Is This It?
I spent last night so sure that I needed to end it. I woke up this morning and couldn't remember why.
There's a possibility that I'm just looking for an excuse to get out while I still can, while I still have the opportunity to not look like an asshole. I talked to her about it, told her I'm scared for us and I don't know if I can keep doing it. She said she understood, she seemed fine. I asked her if she would be okay, and she smiled and said yes. And for some reason, I took comfort in that. It's so much easier to think about when I know that she'll be fine. I asked her if she would be mad at me and she took my hand and said no. She said she understood.
It does all turn into too much sometimes. It's not a matter of being with other people, although that's part of it I guess. It's trying to grow and not being sure if I can grow when I'm attached to someone else. She said she's going through the same thing--is she having the same doubts? She never seems like she doubts us.
I'm stuck somewhere between settling on the fact that this could be the rest of my life and giving up because we have to end at some point, don't we. Neither one really makes sense to me. I love her, I do, but the sex has gotten harder and harder and so have the obligations. I'll miss her so much, but I feel like this is a decision I will make eventually. I don't know for how long and I don't know when it will happen, but eventually I think I'm going to end up closing my eyes and kissing her goodbye.
I don't know. I hope it's easy. I hope she's okay.