|payingattention (payingattention) wrote,|
@ 2008-08-31 05:31:00
|Current mood:||why AM i so afraid?|
|Current music:||"13 Blues for Thirteen Moons" -- A Silver Mt. Zion|
#10: "Why Am I So Afraid?"
There isn't a single soul in the world who will read this unless I leave it in a suicide note.
Speaking of which, today was the first day in a while where I really found it necessary to kill myself. While taking a shower, I thought about getting my hands on a gun and blowing my brains out. This was all after writing notes to everyone I care about and sticking them in a manilla envelope I would leave next to my body. I would scrawl in spray paint "CALL 911 BEFORE GOING INTO THE BATHROOM. I'M SO SORRY." Oddly enough, I went to the bar feeling miserable, had the shits, and then immediately afterwards felt fine. Like I had to poop it all out of my system.
There's a car alarm going off in the distance. I'm sitting here listening to an album I just had shipped in from Canada. Am I good enough? My mantras say I am, but how long will that last me? It's almost six in the morning. Will I be able to wake up early enough to get everything I need to get done finished? I can't quit now, not while I haven't lasted long enough to be behind. I have news articles I have to do, hard news that I've hated since I've taken Journalism 1 last semester. This isn't the life I want to lead, but I'm so sure it will look good on my resume when I go to anyone who's going to judge me and ask how much I know about music or feminism, no one who will ever care how much time I spent copyediting. Thanks New Paltz.
Really, thanks a lot.