|payingattention (payingattention) wrote,|
@ 2008-10-12 14:38:00
|Current music:||"At My Most Beautiful" -- R.E.M.|
#13: I sweep the streets I used to roam
I always knew after we broke up that you would remain a huge piece of my life for a long time, maybe even forever. I knew I would get over you eventually, because rationality said so. And I am over you, aren't I. And of course you're over me. But there is still so much more of me that remembers you, and I still dream about you coming back into my life sometimes. I sit here in New York and think about you in Boston. Right this very second, on October 12th, 2008, at exactly 2:40 in the afternoon, what are you doing? Are you sleeping? Are you working? Are you sad? Are you happy? Are you thinking about someone? I'd like to know that. I used to know everything you were doing when we were dating...and when we were friends, I still knew mostly everything.
I never liked feeling disconnected from you. It's been two years (this month, actually) that we haven't said a word to each other. I feel insane because from time to time I still do stupid things to try and pave over all the awkwardness that exists between us, an awkwardness that crosses state lines. I refuse to believe you truly want nothing to do with me. You stopped speaking to me for a reason--is it safe to say that reason doesn't exist anymore? You can't possibly still be in love with me. I just don't understand it. I never really did.
Soooo I friended you on facebook. This is potentially foolish (probably totally foolish) and it only serves to give you something to tell your friends. "Oh, my CRAZY EX tried to friend me! When will she get the fucking point?" So I figure, I mean, if you ignore it or reject it I'll accept that cuz I don't have any other option. I think I'm just trying to tell you that I forgive you and I hope you've forgiven me.
This is a letter I will never send to you, because it's nothing so pressing that you really need to know. You probably know already. You probably don't care. That's all right with me. We both have different lives to lead.