|payingattention (payingattention) wrote,|
@ 2008-12-26 22:12:00
|Current music:||Nonpareil of Favor by Of Montreal|
#17: If this is growing up, well whatever
It aches with the fire of a thousand suns sometimes, and sometimes it's like peanuts in my mouth and it's great. You know.
I don't have much to say other than Christmas was all right and I miss Grandma and I miss Gizmo but you know, things happen. Julia and I are speaking again and it's weird, but so welcome at the same time. It's almost refreshing to reconnect with someone who knew you so well before you changed so drastically. I'm not too much like the person I was when we dated, but there are key elements still there.
I sort of wish I'd known last Christmas that it would be the last time everything would sort of seem normal. Last time Grandma would be alive, last time we'd spend the holiday in Connecticut. Last time we'd all pretend Aunt Penny and Uncle John were okay. But as the adults all go crazy, the kids still manage to connect with each other and we find ways to deal with the stress by making jokes and goofing off. I know Andrew feels it, and i know underneath all his pseudo-cool moves and his jokes he loves me the same way I love him. We're kindred spirits in a really weird way--I think we both feel underlying messages of pain and anger and whatever, and we can discuss them in a subtle way.
Lemme hit this shit and i'll get back to you.
There's so much of me that will always miss the year I was with Kim and the year following, when I was with anyone who would let me be with them. Now it doesn't matter too much I guess--the growing pains are getting smaller and smaller, or maybe I'm just able to ignore them a little bit better. Whatever it is, I think about Kim less, though not when I'm around places where I might run into her. I never do though. I guess that's just how it's meant to be.
But hey. Julia grew up. Take that one, kid.