|payingattention (payingattention) wrote,|
@ 2009-01-18 21:54:00
|Current music:||"Ageless Beauty" - Stars|
#20: When I say suicide, I really mean I failed
Sometimes breathing is easy. The past two days it's been more than I can offer, but I have still managed to push through. Maybe it's the drinking. Yesterday drinking had nothing to do with it. I don't know what it is then. It goes up and down sometimes. Sometimes suicide comes back.
I don't know. I could never do it. Marissa said it scared her to know I thought about it. It's one of those things, sort of like getting my teeth pulled. I know I HAVE to. But when it happens is something I'm continuously putting off because I don't want to deal with it. Like when I was applying for college. Or doing anything of merit.
But there's so much of me also that can appreciate little things, as opposed to just hating them. I loved watching Daria by myself today, just stoned and smoking cigarettes. I liked the idea of staying in to read and write. I want to read again. I want to love my life again. I spend a lot of time wishing I was younger, back when I was naive and happy. I don't know what made it change. I don't know what shifted inside of me. All of the sudden, there was all of this pressure coming at me from every single angle imaginable. I was so stuck. I'm still so stuck. It was so much sadness bubbling up and I had no idea what triggered it. It was usually just something stupid that I knew I would get over. But I couldn't put my finger on any specific reason. It just CAME, out of nowhere, out of everywhere. It didn't have a name or a face or anything I could identify it by. Like those stupid tubes full of water that you try to grab and they just slide through your hands and plop on the floor. I couldn't grab that feeling, I couldn't own it and control it. It had me. It still does.
And when I feel better, I know it's temporary. I've been feeling this way since I was turning nineteen. There are periods where it gets better. There are periods where it's the worst its ever been. And when things are good, they're never good enough for me to feel like it's over. Even when I felt good after I started taking the Lexapro, I knew I was just tricking myself. Like a placebo effect. It really didn't mean much, in the end. I knew it wouldn't last long.
It lasted maybe a month, give or take. I remember sitting on the roof and telling Dani I felt like I could do anything. I was so ready to violate all the boundaries I thought I had to adhere to. I was keeping secrets. I was becoming an introvert. There was this whole side of me I was hiding, and it felt amazing because it was my secret. Then I started telling people and they started telling people and my secret wasn't mine anymore. It was just information that everyone had a right to own. Intellectual property means nothing if there's no expensive copyright involved.
And it's been a cycle ever since. I trust my reality and I know, slowly but surely, I'm changing. I'm learning how to set boundaries. I'm learning that it's not always my fault, I don't always let people down. It's not a matter of not being good enough, everything is a learning experience. But there are still times when I get so stuck, feeling like my best times have passed me by. I'm afraid to live because I'm afraid to try, because if I try I might fail and then that's how everyone is going to see me. I'm just going to be a failure. So if I've lived through the peak of my life, that's how I want people to remember me. I don't want them to see me as a weak fuck up who couldn't do anything right. Who kept failing and failing, who was the subject of whispered conversation at parties. "How's Nikki doing?" "Keep your voice down. She's...you know. Alive." "Really? I thought she'd be dead by now." "It's such a shame too. She used to be so funny and smart."
Used to be, yeah. In high school, yeah. Always. Then I don't know what happened. I got scared. And everything changed, and I was afraid to change because I was afraid of what I was changing into.
Well. I feel like this was all so simple, and I don't know why I didn't figure it out earlier. I feel much better now.