|payingattention (payingattention) wrote,|
@ 2009-02-03 19:49:00
|Current music:||"Map" - The Microphones|
#23: I never never never want to feel that awful again
I watched you dance somewhere between laughter and crying when we sang "Why can't I feel anything for anyone other than you?" I watched you slump up against the wall with your head back and your hair falling away from your eyes, and I watched your face twist into a pained sort of smile and I knew you were thinking about him.
It's intense female friendships that always make me question my relationship. The second I feel that moment of connection, I want to throw caution to the wind. It might also be because I'm starting to feel like the spark is gone. I haven't decided yet what it is, and it's too bad I left suckitupdyke because this would be a good question to ask. But it looks like I might have to field this one on my own.
On a brighter note, while I watched you fall against the wall I was completely sober. For the first time I realized I didn't have to drink every time everyone else does. I realized last night that I drink because it's fun. I'd rather have fun than go to class, I mean, who wouldn't? But I managed to do it. I was the rational sober person, and when I was irrational I was still sober enough to set things right. And everything was fine, and I went to bed in a good mood and woke up without a hangover. Since then, this week has been great. I'm prepared for my classes (except for Masculinities, but I'm halfway through the readings so I'm almost prepared). It's a good feeling that's deterred only by my fear that my time with Amy has passed, that it's time to move on from all of this and stop lying to myself. I don't want to fall prey to lesbian bed death, I don't want to be one of those stereotypical dykes who stays on because we're emotionally fused even though we never have sex anymore.
Of course, the reason we don't have sex as much could be a) because we're both on medication and b) because we've been together for so long. Eventually you just sort of calm down. It's just harder to realize that because I have to watch Michelle and John have sex three times a day whenever he's visiting. Emily said good for them, but that's just because she's single. I had an orgasm today but I don't remember when my last one was.
I just feel like I have other things to worry about than love right now. But I didn't feel that way before you came to me and we connected like that. So maybe it's just you're fault, and you're another girl who makes me question everything, another girl I'll drop down to good friend status after a little while. That's what always happens.
Though there may come a time where I'm not actually in love with her anymore, and then I'll have no one to blame but myself.