|payingattention (payingattention) wrote,|
@ 2009-03-04 19:38:00
#27: Hold nothing back tonight
I'm so tired of being afraid, I'm refusing to let myself look back.
It's different than when Kim and I broke up. It feels cleaner, more concrete I guess. Maybe because I'm sure enough of myself now to know that I'm probably making the right decision. If it's not the right one, whatever is right will come up later. I just need to live a little of my life without her in order to figure out if I want to live the rest of it (or even part of it) with her. It's awful though, having to explain it to people. Most of our friends have only ever known us together. I know how to live by myself, but it's weird to do it without her.
And of course the same day I break up with her I get to find out that Jackass McAsshole is in a relationship. I can't help but feel like when Kim finds out about this, she's going to have a deep and very smug sense of satisfaction.
I can't go back this time. I can't take care of her, can't let myself take care of her. She's going to hurt for a while. So am I. There's nothing either one of us can do about that. But I'm regressing back to feeling like the ball is in her court. I'm more mature now to not make that obvious. God knows Kim took advantage. Amy would never do that.
Goddammit. I'm so sorry.