|payingattention (payingattention) wrote,|
@ 2009-03-16 23:34:00
#30: Getting back together is worse
I don't know why I thought all of my problems would MIRACULOUSLY disappear if I simply spent a night making out with Ally and then got back together with Amy shortly after. Stupid stupid stupid stupid.
The fact that your Facebook is now an official announcement for your attraction to men (a.k.a.: my mortal enemy) doesn't make anything much easier either.
So I've been wandering around the last few days in fits of horrible anger and I don't know what to do about it. I'm angry at her because I have no one else but myself to be angry at, and I'm more angry at myself than anyone else. It's just an onslaught of fury and there's nothing I want more than just to be alone in the Orphanage than here at home, where I Have to pretend everything is fine. At least at school people are used to seeing me live in squalor and filth and dysfunction. My life at home is an ongoing struggle to hide all of that from my mother so she doesn't worry. And the only reason I'm home is for her, because I know she wants to spend time with me. I don't know how to tell her I don't want to spend time with anyone.
I felt so sane because I was so isolated. I was all on my own and after a few days, I was doing all right. It was hard, but I was okay. I felt healthier than usual. And now I feel worse than usual. I don't know what to do and I'm horribly, terribly afraid.
Fuck this shit. I want different meds.